Love Between Equals — Using the Skills of Real Dialogue to Deepen Communication in Relationships

We want a new kind of love in the 21st century. In relationships, we want to be treated as equals and to be seen and known for ourselves. Equal and reciprocal love between adults, in marriage and committed partnerships, is in many ways more problematic and unhappy now than ever, after decades of struggle for gender equality and sexual freedom. Marriage has moved from being a vow of impersonal loyalty (“in sickness and in health, until death do us part”) to a vow of personal desire (“as long as this meets my needs”). 21st-century love requires new psychological and spiritual skills that go beyo...Read morend secure attachment or “improved communication.”

This workshop will chart the path of “true love” from falling in love (idealization) through disillusionment, introducing a key concept from psychoanalysis: projective identification. It will show specifically how and why well-meaning couples who “know how to communicate” still get caught up in harmful emotional patterns if they do not understand their inner lives, as individuals. As we will see, chronic projective identification requires the creation of a “mindful gap” in which partners relate as adults who recognize and take responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings.

Drawing on object relations, Jungian theory, Dialogue Therapy for Couples (originated and practiced by the speaker), as well as mindfulness and Buddhist teachings, this workshop will give an overview of what has to happen in order for couples to find “true love” by changing their emotional behavior and learning how “mind the gap” between them with respect and compassion.

Real Dialogue is a method and a skill designed to maintain the emotional space for dialogue during polarization, emotional threat, stress, or perceived offense. It counteracts our natural tendencies to dehumanize each other and create enemies when we feel unheard, unseen, or unknown. Different from conflict resolution, mediation, or any form of compromise, Real Dialogue is a form of negotiation or creative conflict that allows individuals to remain mindful and in contact while in disagreement.

In any conflict or discovery process, people need each other’s perspectives in order to find enduring solutions. New ideas and meaning are not always obvious but can be discovered through authentic and open contact with others, something that humans guard against when they feel threatened. Real Dialogue is used between adults who are in dispute in families, at work, or in the public domain. Less...

Learning Objectives

• Explain the role of projective-identification in communication
• List at least three skills for overcoming projective identification
• Explain the significance of a “mindful gap” between people in an intimate relationship and apply this concept to couples therapy
• Analyze and explain how the cycle of repetitive conflicts can be broken through the application of Real Dialogue mindfulness practices.

Learning Levels

• All Levels

Saturday, July 24, 2021

11:00 AM EDT - 02:15 PM EDT